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Beginning the Journey

2011-08-18T18:50:16Z

I've written before about what I'm doing to improve my health and fitness, but not the circumstances that led to my making this change. Yesterday I reached a major milestone, so I felt it would be appropriate to summarize the beginnings of and where I currently stand in my journey.

On January 20, 2010, I found out that I was pregnant. At that point, I was already about 15 lbs overweight ("happy fat" from enjoying my first year of marriage to Will). During my pregnancy, my eating habits deteriorated significantly -- I was so happy, and felt I could indulge in whatever I wanted, which was mostly cheeseburgers and french fries. We probably had McDonalds 4 times a week. I was basically addicted to fat and salt. I gained 40 lbs with the pregnancy, but only lost 20 when Dana was born (despite her weighing almost 9 lbs). As new parents, we didn't have time or energy to cook (and certainly hadn't paid attention to the pregnancy books' advice to make and freeze some healthy dinners in the weeks before my due date), so the bad eating continued for several months.

I was a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law Olivia's wedding at the end of April 2011. Ordering the gorgeous sunshine yellow dress (what could have been a happy moment) was disheartening since I was wearing a size 14, larger than I'd ever worn before. Not to mention that the bride and 3 of the other bridesmaids are rather waifish. I felt like apologizing to Olivia for being overweight and marring her wedding photos.

I think that was my "lightbulb moment", though it took a while for the idea to get to its full wattage. I had realized that I didn't want to be this overweight and unhealthy anymore, but didn't know how I could stop overeating or how to fit in any exercise between working full time and taking care of my 10-month old. I felt helpless. All through the spring, I watched the Biggest Loser contestants lose hundreds of pounds, while my (relatively small) 35 lbs felt like an insurmountable obstacle.

I didn't want to go on a diet, because I didn't want to be hungry all the time. I felt like I couldn't join a gym, because I thought Will would think it was a waste of money. After all, my previous gym membership (begun in September 2009) was not successful: I didn't have a clear plan and quickly stopped going on a regular basis. At $200/month, this was a costly mistake, which hurt both our bank account as well as my husband's belief in my ability to commit to a consistent exercise routine.

At the end of May, the Biggest Loser season 11 finale aired, and the Purple Team sisters Olivia and Hannah took first and second place, respectively. I had identified with these girls throughout the season and felt inspired and interested, especially when they mentioned spinning (essentially cycling on a special stationary bike). I started doing some research on spin classes and found a gym about 2 blocks away from my work offering them a couple times a day, on MWF. I talked to Will, and told him that I would try the class on a trial basis, before signing up for a real membership.

I signed up to do my trial class on Friday, June 17. It was hard. Really hard. Taught-by-an-Ironman hard. So-out-of-breath-that-I-got-a-case-of-the-hiccups hard. But I went back on Monday, to the 6:30 AM class, again on a trial basis. This time, I wore my heartrate monitor, got an amazing workout, and left feeling victorious. I called Will, told him how I felt, went back that afternoon and began my gym membership. (This gym has month-to-month membership fees, so if you want to cancel, you just let them know the month before.)

I started using SparkPeople to track what I eat Sunday through Thursday. I give myself Friday afternoon and all day Saturday "off" as cheat days, to preserve my mental health. I also think the higher calorie counts for these days keeps my metabolism high, so that my body doesn't become entirely accustomed to the lower 1200-1550 calorie days during the week. We call it the Zig-Zag diet: Zigging on the low-cal days, and Zagging on the high-cal days.

We went on vacation in Florida at the end of July. I was determined not to ruin all my hard work (5 weeks of eating well and spin classes 3 times a week), but I also wanted to enjoy the vacation. So we ate semi-carefully during the day but indulged a little (or a lot) at dinner. I also asked Will to take me out on a run. He did, despite the fact that I am SOOO SLOW that he could basically keep up when walking beside me as I jogged (while my heartrate was between 185-195.) During that run, Will somehow hurt his knee and he couldn't run anymore, so we stuck to recreational swimming. Overall, we didn't get that much exercise, but we didn't totally pig out either. I gained a reasonable 2-3 lbs on vacation.

The weight started coming off pretty quickly, 8-9 lbs in the first 3 weeks, another 5 lost in the next 3 weeks, and more over the next month. Yesterday was both my 2-month anniversary of officially starting my journey, and the day that I lost my 20th pound. I am very proud of myself and this accomplishment. I only have 1 pound left to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. After that, 15 pounds remaining to get to my wedding weight (my goal is to reach this by Will's 30th birthday, on 11/11/11). At this point, even though I weigh more than I did before I got pregnant or got married, I can honestly say that I am healthier and more physically fit, which is something I can take great pride in.

11 Months Old

2011-08-11T21:12:43Z

Only 3 weeks until Dana's first birthday. I keep being surprised by how big she is getting. It sounds silly, but sometimes I'll look over at her and expect her to be shorter than she is. She's so tall! Once, we were in her nursery, and she was standing up in her crib. Her head and shoulders were well above the top of the crib rail, and I thought back to the time when she could just barely peek over the rail by standing on her tip toes (about 4-5 months ago). I was so proud and happy of my tall, beautiful baby, and I said to her, "You're getting so big!" And she reached her arms up like we've shown her to say "SO BIG!" Smart, too. :)

This month has been really fun, as we watch her grow up. On July 17, we took Dana to the Museum of Science and Industry here in Hyde Park. She is little enough where we can take her through disturbing exhibits like Body Worlds and she won't remember or have bad dreams. I thought BW was in bad taste, as far as a science exhibit goes. It makes more sense as art, if only to explain away some of the ridiculous poses in which these bodies were contorted. Yuck. After that, we enjoyed the giant model train set and the museum section about the weather. I think Dana liked the tornado show, and Will enjoyed the big erosion wheel thing. She enjoyed crawling around on the floor for a while, but soon got sleepy and fell asleep. We almost left the museum but decided to stay and just let her sleep in the baby carrier while we visited more exhibits. When she woke up, she played with the plasma globe and reached out her hands toward the balls hovering over air hoses. We also saw baby chicks, fun house mirrors, and a U-Boat submarine from World War II. Overall, we spent four hours at the museum and went home happy and exhausted.

A few days later, July 21, we took Dana out to sushi with Olivia and Evan, and enjoyed a visit with Jack Katze, a lifelong friend of the Hackman siblings. Dana was mostly well-behaved, though she got hungry and tried to eat the table, before finally being satisfied with some Cheerios and oatmeal. She also got a taste of her new favorite condiment, soy sauce, thanks to her father.

On Saturday the 23rd, we caught our plane to Florida, for our first summer vacation with a baby. She did not take a nap on the flight, as she had done every other time, but was very pleasant and happy, spending most of her time being passed back and forth between the two of us, or standing on the floor at Will's feet.

We arrived in Jacksonville around 4:30 PM, got our luggage and the rental car and started making our way to Palm Coast (about a 90-minute drive south). It was hard getting used to driving a new car (2011 Hyundai Tiguan, with sensitive breaks and powerful, though slightly delayed acceleration), and I didn't know where we were going. Will was trying to give me directions, as well as feed and comfort Dana, who was getting weepy from exhaustion (no sleep for 12 hours = bad thing). She finally fell asleep after about 20 minutes of crying and unhappiness. We made good time on the highway, but my nerves started to fray when she woke up and started crying again about 30 minutes from the house. We finally made it there by 6:30. I was a complete emotional mess by then, but Dana was OK the moment she was unstrapped from the car seat.

The house was beautiful, with 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Lots of space for Dana to crawl around, especially on the second-floor landing overlooking the family room. She even got to climb up the stairs (always with someone right behind, ready to catch her). The house had many ceiling fans, which she loved to point at. Mom and Dad had rented a crib, high chair, and several other baby items, so we were basically set, once we picked up some formula and baby food from the Publix. Dana began her first night in Florida in the crib, but woke up in the middle of night and boo-hoo'd softly until Will brought her into the twin bed with him to snuggle. (The crib was set up in a small bedroom with only 1 twin. Will stayed with her, and I slept in another bedroom with two very pink twin beds.)

The first morning in Florida, my mom and I took Dana to the baby pool, while Will went for a run on the beach. We three had a great time - Dana splashing around in her yellow frilly two-piece, and experimenting with standing since gravity feels so different in water. There were a couple of 'big' girls there - 2 or 3 year olds - who kept fetching Dana's toys and bringing them to her. Pretty cute. After about 45 minutes, Dana was exhausted, so we put her in a t-shirt (Cardinals, from my parents) and dry diaper, and took her home. She immediately fell asleep, she was conked out. Another morning, we took Dana to the beach and let her wade in a bit - holding on to our hands, since she isn't walking yet. She thought it was the best thing ever. She extended her legs and kicked the water, and made the happiest faces. We also took her back to the baby pool with my brother and Dad, and she had a fantastic time again.

Unfortunately, it was so hot (90-100 most days) that we had to be very careful about limiting her outside time, and definitely her exposure to the sun. Will in particular was very disciplined about applying and reapplying sunblock. Despite our precautions, she developed heat rash on her chest and back, and even a little on her legs. So we kept her outside time to a minimum the last half of the week. The last day in Florida, I tried to take her on short trips to the baby pool, but she cried both times. I think the chlorine was hurting her irritated skin.

Nevertheless she got a lot of time with her Grammy and Big Poppy and Uncle Tyler, all of whom are so much fun. We found a bowl and some plastic oranges, which became a helmet and orbs. She received a Bible stories book as a gift from my Grammy (her great-Grammy), with flaps that she liked to tug on (and sometimes tear off). We had dinner out several times, and she was always very good in her high chair. If she got bored, someone would pick her up and walk her around for a while.

We had a great time that week. Our trip back to Chicago was pretty uneventful. We got to the airport on time, returned the rental car, and made our flight. Happily, Dana took a nap this time (snuggling me!) Olivia and Evan were at their friends Tiernan and Nathan's wedding in Joliet, so we did not get a welcome home party. We did go over and visit them on Sunday, but Olivia was feeling poorly, so we kept the visit short.

Last weekend, Aug 4 - 6, Nan, Bela, Gram, and Papa come up from Memphis for a visit. On Friday, since it was a half day, we drove out to Wheaton and joined them and the Barkers at the Morton Arboretum. Dana really enjoyed seeing them and cruising around in the "tree house" above the maze. She did a lot of pointing (especially at Gram) but was a little shy and not talkative. Saturday, we joined them for an early dinner at Piccolo Mondo in Hyde Park, before they took the train up to Ravinia for a concert. Dana got her first taste of bread dipped in a little olive oil. Sunday we spent most of the afternoon together, at the playground (where Dana impressed everyone by walking that little lawnmower toy around) and then everyone came over to our apartment. Nan and Will cooked dinner (delicious! scallops, mashed potatoes, fruit salad), while Dana played with everyone not involved with cooking. People left the apartment around 8:30 or 9:00, and they flew back to Memphis the next morning.

Dana is a wonderful little girl, mostly a delight to be around. If you ask her where her nose (or yours) is, she'll point to it, though sometimes she gets it mixed up with her mouth or eye. She waves when people say "hello" or "bye-bye" or when we go near a door (she assumes we'll go out through it). She is starting to stand independently for a few seconds at a time. I think she will start to walk shortly after she turns one. She says "mama" and "dada", though not typically as names for her parents. "Dada" means man, thing, anything external to herself. "Mama" means herself or something she is feeling. Her favorite thing to babble is "a-da-da-da-da", though she also likes to go "buh-buh-buh" or blow raspberries. She can shake her head 'no', which is funny when she does it while being bad. She'll crawl down the hall, and we'll say "Dana, come back", and she'll shake her head and smile, and then crawl-charge into her room. Bad baby! I love her so much.

Hello, Bye-Bye

2011-07-13T21:22:23Z

Over the last week and a half, Dana has gotten really into waving hello and bye-bye to people. She responds with waves (the cute hand open-and-closing kind) when people say bye-bye, but will also initiate waving (the back and forth kind) at strangers when out on walks.

Spinning

2011-07-08T21:18:36Z

As of today, I have been attending spin class 3x a week for 3 weeks. I have also been tracking what I eat (using sparkpeople.com) since then. I'm allowing myself off the diet on Friday evenings (journaled) and all day Saturday (non-journaled). Last weekend was pretty rough, because of the holiday weekend. Also, it's hard to eat well at a pancake house (where we ate breakfast with my mom and dad), even if you order the Dieter's Delight, because everything is still soaked in butter.

As of last Friday 7/1, I was down 8 or 9 lbs, but when I weighed in this morning, the total weight loss is only about 3.5 lbs. I'm not particularly upset about taking those lbs back, since I know at least part of it is muscle gain (a good thing) and also monthly water retention (not good, but temporary). Maybe 1 lb of it is from this weekend, but I definitely deserve that. :)

In addition to weighing myself, I'm going to start taking body measurements every other week. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm already seeing results. I would just like some numbers to support that feeling, and I understand that the scale isn't always going to reflect hard work, but measurements might.

I had a really great workout this morning, and I wanted to write about it while I'm in a good mood, before my normal Friday evening crash. I woke up really sluggish at 5:30 AM, a little sick to my stomach from not enough sleep. I put on my workout clothes, packed my lunch, and out the door. I started feeling a little better after half a bagel with cream cheese and a 25-minute drive to the gym. When I walked into class, Debbie the instructor had written the day's routine on the dry erase board in the front of the class. Warm up and build, and then twice through the following loop: 2 minutes VO2 (meaning anaerobic level, 92% heartrate and up), 2 minutes rest, 2 minutes VO2, and 5 minutes at threshhold (just below VO2).

I worked really hard in class and made it all the way through, but I'm not primarily applauding myself for the physical effort, more for the mental discipline to stick it out. I've come up with a couple of tricks to get myself through it:

Come into class and consciously shake off negative thoughts like, "Ugh, I don't wanna" or "This is gonna suck". I'm at the gym already, might as well take advantage of it and do something good for myself, and it's probably best if I don't start off whining inwardly.

Remember that I *always* feel like quitting around 80% through warm-up, but then I settle in and get over it. It's tough to get my heartrate up to these levels (175 minimum) at 6:30 AM, and my body and mind always complain as we get started. But I have to remember that when I start wanting to quit 10 minutes into class, it's a sign that my body is warm and ready to work.

Sometimes when I'm having a hard time, I look out the window. It's a view of Wacker when it goes over the Chicago River, and I can see people walking over the bridge. This may sound terrible, but I try to spot an overweight person and say to myself "I will not be one of you!" It's very motivational.

Other times when it's going badly and we only have a minute or two left in the segment, I think about other things that I could do in one or two minutes. Watch a couple commercials. Make a bag of popcorn (takes closer to three minutes). Brush my teeth. Then I think, "That's no time at all, I can definitely make it that long!"

Finally, if I'm struggling and we have a long time left in the segment, I try to get very Zen. I read this somewhere recently, that the majority of one's suffering comes from the knowledge that the effort/pain must be sustained for a given period of time. But if I only consider the discomfort at this moment - can I stand it? And usually the answer is yes. So I keep asking myself, "Can you stand it right now? And now? And now?" until the segment is over.

It's interesting the way my mind is being exercised as well as my body.

Baby Update

2011-07-04T16:29:53Z

Dana is now 10 months old. How could two months go by without an update? I'll tell you how. Teething, crawling, and cruising. These things make for a very busy mama (and papa of course)!

Olivia's wedding in Memphis was April 30 at Lichterman Nature Center. Dana was such a good little traveler - one of us carried her in the Baby Bjorn while the other got the luggage. She didn't complain when I realized that I had forgotten the carseat and my cellphone in the car, causing us to make a return trip. Fortunately we had arrived early to drop off Laura for her flight, and had plenty of time to spare.

Dana did really well on the flight, falling asleep shortly after takeoff and waking about 20 minutes before landing, refreshed and smiling. We were in the front of the plane, in the bulkhead, so when she stood up on my lap, she could see over the seat behind us to all the other passengers. She made happy quiet noises at them and ate the Cheerios we gave her.

We had a really good time at all the wedding festivities, and Dana behaved very well during the ceremony (while Big Poppy carried her and let her yank on the tree limbs at the back of the clearing area) and only made one peep that I noticed. Everyone admired her at the wedding, and she got to meet the Spanish department (Doyle, Henager, Tucker) from Rhodes, who were in attendance.

We had a good flight back to Chicago as well, though Dana's nap was a little shorter. Again, she awoke well-rested and feeling happy and adventurous. On the tram ride back to economy parking, I spotted a little point of white on one of her gums and took a closer look. It was a tooth! Dana's first tooth! Just shy of eight months. She must have been teething during the wedding, but remained in generally high spirits, because of all the company and distractions. Not many days later, her second tooth came in, but she was less delightful for that teething session.

Generally the weather in Chicago at the beginning of May is pretty nice - sun and 50s - but we had some unseasonably chilly and nasty days in the first half of the month. We had to bundle her up almost every day, until the middle of the month.

Mother's Day had some very pleasant weather, and after having breakfast at Blackberry Pancake House in Tinley Park, we spent a few hours lying around in the sun on the Promontory Point with Olivia, Laura, and Rory. Rory in particular attracted Dana's notice and admiration. Must have been the accent.

Around this same time, Dana gotten really good at cruising. She wanted to cruise everywhere. The couch, the bookshelves, the coffee table, the entertainment console with a glass front. She also loved power cords -- it's like babies have a sixth sense about the things they are forbidden to have, and they go right for those things. We realized we had to do major babyproofing. We hid as many power cords as we could (even getting a bed skirt for the couch to hide the cords underneath), and put away the rest. We blockaded the entertainment console with pillows in case she fell against it. Will anchored the bookcases to the wall, so they wouldn't tip over. And we stowed the coffee table in Dana's closet, both to prevent her from cruising and potentially falling on it, and to free up some floor space for our little crawler. We also bought her a lion toy, which was specifically designed to encourage cruising on it. Initially she thought the jingly ball underneath was the best part, but she soon discovered all the fun features and cruised all over it.

Also, around this time, Dana started clapping and discovered that she could clap things together. We took her wooden blocks (Christmas gift from Nana and Grandpapa) and she really loved playing with those and banging them together. I don't know anything that sounds as nice as two pine blocks being clunked together by a happy baby.

At the end of May, we hosted a little Memorial Day get-together with Olivia, Laura, and Evan. Will made burgers and hot dogs (veggie dogs for Evan) and G&Ts. There was also potato salad, which Will was very excited about. Dana had a new little denim romper, which she debuted at this get-together, and also demonstrated her crawling/cruising skills and hand-eye coordination by going over to the cat food dispenser, breaking into it, and scooping several pieces into her mouth. I dug out several pieces from her mouth but missed one, which she happily gummed until it too was discovered and taken away.

Dana's first bathing suit - bought for our trip to Florida in July. Hopefully it will still fit!

In early June, Tyler and Daniel came to Chicago for an overnight trip. They stopped by the morning after they saw a Glee performance. Tyler read "Doggies" and "Moo Baa La La La" to Dana, who was very happy to sit in her uncle's lap.

By the first week of June, Dana could climb from a standing position on the floor onto one of the low chairs near the air conditioning intake vent. Once on the chairs, she would clap her hands against the vent and flip the light switches.

Because the weather really improves in June, we started taking Dana out to various places. We found she really enjoys being in a highchair at a restaurant, though she despises her highchair at home and struggles and screams not to be put into it. We made numerous trips to playgrounds, and she likes being in the baby swings. At the Bixler playground over by old our apartment, she found a pushtoy (looked kind of like a lawn mower) and slowly pushed it around. We also took her to the zoo one beautiful Saturday morning, and her favorite thing was a box turtle. She was not impressed by the big cats, I guess she gets enough of those at home.

The past two weeks, it has been a challenge to get her to take naps during the day. She will sleep between 10-12 hours at night, and until recently, would take two naps during the day. Now she keeps trying to drop a nap. I've read that it's normal for 12-18 month olds to do this, but 9.5 months seemed a little early. She is determined, though.

She is so smart these days and is getting better at using her hands and communicating. She points at things a lot and makes little comments, usually calling whatever she is pointing at "baby" or "dada". She also loves doing pat-a-cake, and is beginning to do the hand movements along with us. She claps when we clap, and is getting the hang of rolling and kneading. So smart!

Mama Update

2011-06-21T01:59:18Z

I'll be posting a baby Dana update in a day or two (lots of ground to cover - two exciting months!), but I also wanted to write about what I'm up to these days. So here goes.

I did end up getting my hair cut pretty short back in April, like I mentioned in my last post. It was so heavy when it was long, so I really like how light it feels at this length. I'll have to go back to get it trimmed pretty soon, since it's been two months.

Also, I'm trying to get back into a fitness routine. Back when I was single in the summer of 2007, between Rhodes and Iowa, I spent most days on the bike trails in St. Louis. I believe I covered somewhere between 200 and 250 miles of trails that summer, and lost about 25 lbs. (I continued to lose another 10 that fall, but that was due to a temporary case of hyperthyroidism, rather than diet and exercise.) I enjoyed being on a bike, especially the solitude and scenery. Some of those trails are very isolated. I would often bring my iPod and scream-sing along, without anyone ever hearing me, which is fun in one way but pretty scary in another.

However, riding alone means you can sit back and coast if you want to. (Probably why I had enough breath to sing along to the music.) I don't have the time or (let's be honest) the desire to spend hours away from home riding on dusty trails in the heat of summer anymore. I need to get my workout in fast, and I need someone to push me. With these things in mind, I started looking for spinning classes downtown. I found a gym across the street from my bus stop (very convenient) which offers classes 3 times a day, so last week I called to ask if I could try out the class on Friday at lunchtime (half day Fridays!)

I got a tour of the facility (noting the 35 treadmills, extensive cardio and strength training equipment, 4-lane pool, boxing room, and spinning studio), then got changed and ready for my first spin class. I showed up to the spin studio about 10 minutes early, then realized I had to go to the bathroom, then realized I didn't know where the bathroom was. By the time I figured it out and returned to the spin studio, there were only 2 minutes before class started and the instructor was helping another new girl adjust her seat. I listened to the advice he was giving her, then said hello and that I was new too, and he spent about 30 seconds adjusting the fit on my bike (front and center, to my embarrassment). Then we got started.

We began with a low-resistance (level 5), medium pace warm-up. I think I had my resistance too high, because after about 5 minutes, I was completely out of breath and feeling terrible and thinking "There's no way I'll make it 40 more minutes!" It was a strength-building class (high resistance and hill-climbing), probably not an ideal experience for a first-timer. Mike, the instructor, was extremely lean and muscular, and looked like he was maybe about 40. I googled him though, and he's solid mid-50s, and a lawyer, and has run over 30 marathons (Boston twice) and 3 Iron Mans.

He didn't provide much in the way of explanation, generally just shouted out numbers, "Six and a half! ... Ninety! ... Five!" or directions, "Up! Down!" It took a while to figure out what he was talking about (resistance, time left on the segment, in/out of the saddle), but once I did, the real suffering began. Every time I glanced at the clock, it seemed like no time had gone by. I wasn't wearing my heart rate monitor, but I'm sure it would've been around 200 bpm. I didn't have a water bottle either - I tried to buy one as I left work but the machine was out, and I ran out of time. I dehydrated very quickly and it was terrible. When class FINALLY ended (after an excruciating series of climbs and sprints) and I dismounted, Mike asked me if I was OK.

I told him I was, but that his class was my first real effort at fitness since having my baby. He said congratulations. I did not not mention that she's over 9 months old.

On my way out, Chris from the Membership office (who gave me the tour earlier) gave me a 3-day trial pass, so I decided to give spinning another go on Monday morning, 6:30 - 7:30. Thanks to my bus being slow, I arrived to class about a minute late, so I had to adjust my own seat, while everyone else warmed up and the instructor (a woman) talked soothingly over a headset mic. She was saying things like, "I know it's Monday morning. Just push away that 'I can't' or 'I don't want to' feeling that may be rising up. Just climb and pull yourself up and out of it. We're working off our toxic weekends." It looks dumb written out but it was pretty effective (soothing and motivational) heard in person. Once she said, "Let your breath become deeper and and more purposeful as you feel your pulse quicken." Again, sounds stupid, but it really reminded me to breathe.

I told her that this was my first time in her class, and my second class ever, and she gave me some pointers (every bike and every rider is different, monitor BPM on heart rate monitor, adjust resistance to get to target rate, relax feet and let legs do the work). This time, class was not so painful. I still got a tremendous workout (kept heartrate between 175 - 195 for 50 minutes), and left feeling great.

Right now I have this really great mindset. I know that my workout time is very limited, so I have to do my best while I'm at the gym. Also, I've put forth this effort, which makes me not want to waste it by eating badly. Yesterday afternoon, I even turned down stopping at McDonalds after grocery shopping, in favor of a grilled steak with sliced apples and banana (which I shared with Dana). I did so well until about 45 minutes before bed, when I got hungry and made cookies. I regretted eating them immediately. Today I am also eating well (granola, chili, apple slices, lots of water). I am hoping this attitude and routine sticks. Will and I are going to try to help each other, which means I will have to get tough-skinned if he tells me I shouldn't eat something.

To be continued.

On the Move

2011-04-22T21:27:24Z

Now, 2 weeks since my last entry, Dana is 7.5 months old and she is crawling like a pro. Our biggest challenge lately has been keeping up with her and making sure she doesn't get into anything she shouldn't. We'll need to completely babyproof at some point, but it's hard for us to find the time. We should have done it before she was so mobile, but when I thought about it earlier, we said she didn't need it yet so we would wait. So here we are.

Dana's other big accomplishment these days is pulling herself up to a standing position. She's getting pretty steady on her feet, though she still wobbles a bit and takes a dive every now and then.

For those of you wondering, yes, she does get to spend time outside her highchair -- it's just easier to photograph her if she's in there.

Will and I are doing OK, both pretty busy (I with work, he with Dana & preparing his PhD proposal). I am getting my hair cut tomorrow; it's gotten pretty long and heavy and unmanageable, so a (much) shorter style will be a big change, hopefully for the better. I'm pretty nervous, but fortunately if I don't like it, it'll take a few months but then it'll be something more familiar.

Olivia's wedding is a week from tomorrow in Memphis. She and Evan have been legally married since their small ceremony back in November, but this is their big party with all friends and family. I'm sure the weather will be lovely in Memphis.. anyway, it will be better than Chicago, where it's been chilly and damp and cloudy for the past few days. Dana doesn't seem to mind the rain. She likes looking up at umbrellas, and when she was out with Will the other day on the lake, she was interested in the big waves pounding the beach. :)

7 Months

2011-04-08T16:10:37Z

So Dana is a big 7 month old now. At her 6 month appointment (March 7, I think it was), she weighed 17 lbs 3 oz and was 25.5 inches long. And now, a month later, I'm sure she's even bigger and taller. She certainly is learning how to do more and more for herself.

During her fifth month and going into her sixth, she mastered the use of her walker. After spending a few weeks only going backwards in it, she can now go any direction she likes. She's probably getting a little too active for it, since these days she seems to try to climb out of it a lot.

For the last few weeks, she's been trying to start crawling. At first, she got on her hands and knees and rocked back and forth, without any movement in any direction. She then figured out how to rotate herself to whatever direction she wanted to face. After that, she could kind of scoot but mostly just backwards. And now she's "creeping", basically crawling but her belly touches the ground. Any day now she may start truly crawling around. That's going to be a scary day, since our apartment is almost completely non-babyproofed.

She continues to be a very sweet talker, with a wider variety of sounds: not just da-da-da-da, but also ba-ba-na-na, and once, a "geeeee!" When she's in a good mood (which is often), she'll quietly whisper to herself. Adorable.

One Year Later

2011-01-21T21:35:59Z

One year ago yesterday, I got home from a business trip and that night, after feeling weird for several weeks, took a pregnancy test and got what I thought was a faint positive. (Later we realized I was reading the test wrong -- it was the control line that was faint; the pregnancy indicator line was a flushed and glowing magenta.) I brought the test out to Will where he was reading at his desk and said, "What does this look like to you?"

He said it looked like a positive and we spent the next few hours sort of excitedly nervously snuggling and talking on the bed.

The next day (one year ago today), I woke up thinking, "I'm probably pregnant!" I went to the CVS near my bus stop after work and bought three different kinds of pregnancy tests. Probably overreacting, but I wanted to be really sure. The lady at the CVS teased me about it a little -- "You only need one test to give you the answer hon!" -- but as soon as I got home, I took those tests and got one positive after another.

We had to wait a week to give my parents the news, since I wanted to do it in person. That entire week, I spent a lot of time imagining how happy they would be when we told them. My dad was in Chicago for a business trip and he took us out to dinner on Thursday night. I was DYING to blurt it out that evening, but I managed to get through the meal, without a caffeinated beverage or a glass of wine or a hint of suspicion on my dad's part. He drove us back to St Louis with him on Friday evening, and for those 6 hours I was super anxious to get home but still trying to act normal.

When we got to my parents' house, we sat down to have a chat like we normally do, and the news came spilling out of me -- "Well we have some exciting news we're having a BABY!!!" And my parents said, "Really? Yaaayy!" and this was followed up by whooping and hugs and congratulations.

And now, one year later, I have the best 4.5 month old in the world. Quite a year. :)

Holidays Recap

2011-01-12T19:19:32Z

Wow, reading back through my last entry - I am struck by how different things are now, just one month later. Last month, we were battling gas and constipation. It was not a happy time, since it felt like Dana spent hours every day crying inconsolably, doubled up in pain. (In reality, it was not as bad as that, but any time a baby is in pain is TOO MUCH.)

We saw the pediatrician on the 16th and she couldn't find anything structural that would create these problems, and told us to continue giving Dana a little prune juice regularly. We did this, along with switching her bottles (from Medela - nipples collapse much too easily and no gas ventilation to speak of - to Dr. Brown's, which are great) and administering simethicone (basically Gas-X for babies) with every meal. She passes a lot of gas these days and spits up more (a side effect of the simethicone) but the gas is under control so she is a lot happier, and consequently so are Will and I.

In fact, our travel experience to Memphis for Christmas was basically delightful. We drove to O'Hare on the morning of the 23rd, and Dana caught a nap for the last 15 minutes of the drive. We loaded her up in her stroller and car-seat and took the train from economy parking to our terminal. I took Dana through security by myself, since Will had to go to a different terminal to check our bag, and she was very well behaved for that too. I think Will had a harder time getting through security: he was carrying all the milk in his bag, which violated the rules about liquid carry-ons, but they tested it and everything was fine.

We went to our gate and waited to board. By this time, Dana was pretty sleepy and getting a little crabby, so Will swaddled her and got her to take a little nap, despite the noise of other passengers and squawks over the PA system. We finally got to board, and as we went down the aisle, fellow passengers commented to us, "Oh, what a little beauty! What a sweet baby!" And once on the plane, she fell right asleep and stayed asleep the whole flight. We gave her little drinks from a bottle on the ascent and descent (to help her ears with the popping) and burped her (to prevent belly gas pains). People got off the plane and said, "Wow, I didn't even know there was a baby on this plane!" She woke up in Memphis very cheerful and refreshed.

Our visit went pretty well. We had Christmas Eve dinner and opened presents at Gram and Papa's new house (just a few minutes away from Nan and Bela's). Dana was introduced to several relatives she hadn't met before, including Brittany who was very taken with her, and enjoyed visiting those she already knew. While Bela held Dana, Will and I got the tour of the house, which is very spacious and nice. I'm envious of the office/music listening space that Papa has upstairs, and I know Will would love to have wall-to-wall bookcases like the ones in Gram's workroom/studio.

Christmas Day was a little disorganized as people were on different schedules (Leeds) or had to make outings (Nan, Bela) or take naps (Dana), so we all kind of did our own thing. Dana got her little Christmas dress from Old Navy as well as some toys from us (a rain stick type rattle and a little rainbow ball toy) as well as blocks and clothes from Nan and Bela. Gram and Bela and Kathy came over for dinner on Christmas Day. We tried to get to bed a little early since we had to get up around 6:00 to catch our flight the next morning. Olivia and Evan got in on the 26th so we got to see them for a few minutes before leaving for the airport. Our flight back to Chicago went much the same as our flight down, pretty calm and peaceful, but Dana blew off some major steam once we got home. I completely understood, though, traveling is stressful for everyone, even babies.

That week was year-end close for me at work, so I was spending some longer hours downtown. She is growing so fast these days that I could see a difference in her by the end of the week: she was better at getting her thumb in her mouth, could stand up with even less support (as of last Friday 1/7, 4 months & 1 week, we could get her from lying down to a standing position by pulling her by her hands), and seemed a little more mature in her coping abilities when tired. Even though sometimes it seems like she'll never be old enough to do anything for herself, when we take her around people who don't see her as often, they're always saying how much she's changed or grown up. And I have to think to myself that she'll only be a baby for a relatively short time, and that I should try to enjoy it while it lasts, because the top of her head won't always smell so delicious and her face won't always light up with delight when I walk in the room and she won't always make such cute expressions when she's trying to fart.

3 Months Old

2010-12-12T01:19:47Z

Dana turned 3 months old last Friday, what a big girl. These days, life with Dana reminds me of a Mother Goose rhyme:

There was a little girl, she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad, she was horrid.

I would change the rhyme above not to say "bad", but "gassy" or "tired" or "hungry". Obviously she is too young for her behavior to be classified as good or bad, since she's just responding to needs at this point.

When Dana is well-rested and not gassy, she is a delight to be around. During these times, she is very talkative, with a wide variety of cooing and laughing and happy grunting sounds. She likes to get her thumb or fingers (or whole hand, if she could) in her mouth. Before Dana was born, Olivia brought Will's baby blankie up from Memphis, and now it is one of her favorite things -- she grips a portion of fabric and holds it up to her face when she sucks her thumb, just like her father did as a little boy. (In fact, a corner of the blanket is missing because it got so filthy from repeated Will-slobberings, that it had to be cut out.) She is often very smiley, sometimes making what we call the "secret baby" face, smiling but looking away shyly.

Happy Dana is what we get a lot of the time, since she is fairly easy-going. But the last two weeks, we have been battling gas. As an adult who has had gas pains and knew what they were, I can say that it must be even worse for a baby, whose tummy hurts a lot and who doesn't know why. When she has gas, she screams, and there's nothing we can really do to make it better. Will and I have taken several preventive measures (changing bottles, simethicone and lots of burping at every feeding) to avoid bad gas, but an all-dairy diet sometimes just causes gas - that's all there is to it. It breaks my heart and drives me crazy when she is crying from pain, and that I am powerless to fix it makes it even worse.

Our drive down to St. Louis for Thanksgiving went very well. She slept almost the entire way, getting fussy only in the last 20 minutes before we arrived. For a 3-month-old on a 5.5-hour car ride, that is SO GOOD. The trip back up was not so easy: she was experiencing a lot of gas pain and screaming, but she has to stay in her carseat so you can't hold her. We stopped in a Walgreens parking lot for about 45 minutes, and Will got her to sleep finally, and despite desperately needing to both pee and pump, I spent the remaining 4.5 hours driving in silence, praying she would stay asleep. And she did!

The actual visit to St. Louis went pretty well. On Thanksgiving Day, Will and I were leaving for a trip to Wal-Mart when we got a flat tire. It was cold and rainy and we couldn't get the lugnuts off, so my dad came and put the spare on it for us, but that was also flat. We had to leave the car in the parking lot of the neighborhood library while we got the tire fixed. It was a frustrating situation but the silver lining was that Dana was warm at home with her grammy. Then my mom called and asked if there were any more diapers - Dana had had a blowout. Well, there weren't any more diapers, that was why we were going to Walmart in the first place. So my mom had to improvise with cloth diapers (we use them as burp cloths) and Scotch tape. It was a pretty crazy day.

The week after Thanksgiving was my first close back at work. I'd been dreading it, since it normally involves longer hours at the office. I just did my best, and anything that didn't get done during normal working hours had to wait - baby is top priority.

We've bought some Christmas gifts for her - I'm really looking forward to that.

Feeling Very Thankful

2010-11-24T02:14:54Z

You had to know that I'd post in time for Thanksgiving this year -- I just have so much to be grateful for. At the 2009 holiday dinner, I remember thinking that there was a good chance that the coming year my parents might have a grandchild to be thankful for. And I was right! Dana is so great. Let me just brag a bit.

Olivia got married in Wheaton on the 12th (the day after Will's birthday), and we were in attendance. During the ceremony and celebration afterward, Dana was very well-behaved. At a certain point, she got tired and a little fussy, but until then, she was the life of the party and extremely charming. She and Evan's mom Renee got on famously. Here is Dana with the very lovely bride:

I'm also very grateful for my wonderful husband Will. You couldn't ask for a more supportive guy or better father. He has been a *peach* to me as I've started working.. basically taking care of Dana 24/7, and then being a shoulder to cry on when I come home and Dana's worn out and doesn't want to be social with me. For a day or two there, I really thought she might hate me, but Will advised giving it some time. And then we made it to the weekend and she was a delight in the morning and kind of a handful in the evenings -- it wasn't me, she was just tired! This was extremely comforting to me.

Speaking of work, going back has not been easy. I miss her every day, and sometimes it's hard to find convenient times to pump, especially since there are only 3 stalls available to around 15-30 new moms. I've noticed some decrease in my supply as a result. I am hoping as things settle down at work and I get all the outstanding issues resolved, I'll find myself a little more flexible with my time and be able to pump more/longer.

I'm also so so thankful for our families. My parents came into town to ease the transition when I first went back to work, and now Olivia is pitching in on a regular basis during the week while Will is in class. It makes me so happy to have all these people that love my baby (almost) as much as I do, and that she gets to have special relationships with all of them.

I'm taking tomorrow off work so that we can drive down to St. Louis, our first big car trip. I feel like I'm massively overpacking for Dana, but I'm really scared that I'll forget something crucial and we'll have an unhappy baby on our hands. Most important things: lots of milk/formula, diapers & wipes, and my pump (with car adapter). Anything else is negotiable / replaceable.

The End of Maternity Leave

2010-11-05T04:24:56Z

Tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave, before I head back to work on Monday. I'm feeling apprehensive about it- both on the professional level and as a mom. I've spent the last 9 weeks using completely different parts of my brain, learning new mom type skills, and my old accountant type skills may have gotten a little rusty. But at least I'm not going back to work completely sleep-deprived - Will is still taking Dana in the nursery at night, somehow surviving on 6 hours + naps, while I get 7-8 solid hours consistently. And he said tonight that he sort of felt like I had the harder job, taking care of her most of the day, since she's awake and active. What a fellow - I'm so lucky to be married to him.

We are going to try the same night-time arrangement when I go back to work, but Will also will have charge of her for most of the day. My mom will be in town next week to ease the transition, but we'll primarily rely on Olivia on Mon/Wed/Fri to cover when Will is in class, and I will have time with Dana in the evenings before bed. I haven't been away from her for more than 3-4 hours in a row, so going 9+ hours without seeing my baby (five days a week) is going to be really tough. I'll probably end up wanting to spend more time with her, and picking up some night shifts so she doesn't forget who I am.

It's been a good 9 weeks though. Well, 8 weeks anyway, the first week sucked (thanks, "Baby Blues"). Around 3.5 weeks after delivery, I really started to get the hang of parenting a newborn, but as any parent will tell you, just when you get comfortable, your child will change things up.

Right around 4 weeks, Dana stopped pooping. If you're not a parent or mind the poop talk, you should probably skip this paragraph and move on down to the next one. Anywaaay, so she didn't go for 6 days. (SIX DAYS. In baby/parent time, that's like a decade.) And not for lack of trying - she spent those 6 days grunting and straining and crying and farting and just feeling awful. Despite prune juice and water, tummy rubs, surprisingly non-upsetting thermometer stimulation episodes, and relaxing baths, nothing! Finally, at 5 weeks old, we took her to the pediatrician, who had to manually extract it. She wailed. It was terrible. But then she got back on track and felt much better.

After Dana's digestive troubles were resolved, we got re-settled into a little routine, and *surprise*, she changed it up again. At first, Dana was not particular about her surroundings when she needed a nap. It could be light or dark, loud or quiet. When we told the pediatrician that we were watching a couple hours of TV in the same room as the baby, she advised us not to expose the baby to any TV, since it can disrupt normal brain development or something. We didn't listen at first, since Dana slept right through it.

However, at 6-7 weeks, she started to mind. She didn't want a bunch of lights on, or a noisy TV. These things (in addition to painful bouts of gas) would keep her from sleeping, and she'd go from Normal-Relaxed-Baby to Unhappy-Exhausted-Demon-Spawn in the evenings. We only figured it out really last week, and have learned to spot warning signs and put her down for a nap before she gets desperate and terrible.

But these are just the challenges we've had with her. I can't tell you how many hours of happy, loving, calm time we've had together. In the last few weeks, she's gotten really good at smiling and cooing. She does these most in the morning (which I will definitely miss when I go back to work, but maybe she'll save a few grins for me in the evenings.) She also likes "standing" and "walking" as I hold her up with my hands under her armpits. We are also endlessly entertained by her many digestive antics - her toots sound like a grown person's. It's quite impressive.

I guess I can consider myself a real parent now, feeling true pride at my daughter's farts.

Baby Pictures

2010-10-11T22:00:00Z

As promised, many baby photos. Happy birthday, Dad!

Brand new baby, about one hour old. Looking pretty cheerful overall, if a bit tuckered out. She was not bruised, that's just a little leftover blood on her temple. The green fabric on the right is my very stylish hospital gown.

Will and I with the baby in the delivery room.

Dana with her Big Papi and Grammy Kay, in the recovery room later that evening.

Our little family, the next morning. I'm very puffy in these recovery photos because of all the IV fluids they had given me the day before. Also, note the teddy bear/balloon courtesy of Tyler and Daniel. Apparently when they purchased these from the hospital gift shop, they had to ask the checkout person to inflate the balloon.

One of the gorgeous photos that Nan took on Saturday morning for the birth announcement.

A little smile from baby Dana on Sunday morning, before we were discharged from the hospital.

Dana looking really tiny, in her carseat for the first time.

At home with Grandpapa Béla and Nana.

Back in the carseat, waiting for our appointment with the pediatrician.

Naptime.

Ditto.

Dana hanging out with her Papa, during a thunderstorm. This photo is actually a frame from a video, in which Dana has a loooong set of hiccups.

Notice the height between the baby's chin and my shoulder. She was holding her head up pretty steadily - not bad for 3 weeks old!

This was the day Auntie Olivia taught Dana to count to 20, en español.

First Week at Home - The Hard Part

2010-10-07T19:56:57Z

This section will probably be the hardest (and most therapeutic) to write -- it was definitely the hardest part to live through. I believe that the five or six days after giving birth were the worst I've ever felt, physically and emotionally.

I expected the physical discomfort, of course. Everyone says labor pains are terrible, and then you push out a baby, which is a lot of work and hurts like hell. I knew that stitches were a possibility, and as it turned out, they were necessary in my case. Add to that the fatigue of the last couple months of being pregnant (in the heat of summer) and working full-time, 9.5 hours of labor, and then several nights with very little sleep. Exhaustion hurts, all on its own. Lastly, since I had 600 mg of ibuprofen every 8 or so hours for pain relief during my stay at the hospital, my stomach was a wreck when I got home: in and out of the bathroom, and no real appetite. Other than the ibuprofen-induced upset stomach (which my mom and Will figured out for me), I had read about and expected all the other elements of physical discomfort.

On the other hand, I was not prepared for the emotional bulldozing that took place during this period. I had expected to be overjoyed and filled with love for this new baby. I thought I would probably worry about the baby and want to check on her a lot, since this is how I felt for most of the pregnancy. And I did feel those things intermittently, but I did not expect the flood of anxiety, inadequacy, and anguish which lasted those first six days.

The first two nights at home were the worst. Will and I stayed up with her, and we both got next to no sleep. I was so wound up and tuned in to the baby's tiniest noises, it was awful. That grunt could mean she's hungry - we have to feed her right now! She gurgled, is she choking on some spit-up? Is her diaper wet or dirty? Is she cold? Unhappy? I was so anxious to take good care of her, and the fact that I didn't know the answers made me feel like a terrible mother.

I struggled constantly with feelings of guilt during this time: for asking my parents to help; for making them spend so much time and money; for catching a few hours of sleep during the day when I, The Mother, should have been taking care of my baby. I also felt guilty a few days later, when Will started taking her at night so I could sleep well and not be a crazy person during the day. This is the lovely, selfless kind of man I am lucky enough to have as my husband.

Of course, when I told my parents how I felt, they reassured me that this is exactly what they wanted to be doing (grandparents love their grandbaby!) and there was no reason for me to feel bad about needing some help. It wasn't a problem or a burden. No one thought I was neglecting my daughter by taking a nap or having someone hold her while I ate dinner. Despite everyone's reassurances, these bad feelings persisted for almost a week postpartum.

Lastly, I felt guilty for "wasting time" and "not getting anything done". I think it speaks very clearly about my state of mind that I had a four-day-old newborn to take care of, nevertheless I was writing to-do lists: work on Dana's baby book or website, check in at work, go for a walk (to lose baby weight). Crazy!

For those five or six days, I was emotionally raw. I was wearing my heart on my sleeve. Or rather, my heart was less than a week old, under nine lbs, and wearing a purple onesie. I kept having obsessively anxious thoughts - for example, in the hospital, I could not stop worrying about how the cats would behave around the baby. I was afraid that they would get underfoot and someone carrying Dana would trip and fall, or that they would be hostile and scratch her, or that they would step on her head somehow. I expressed this concern to my dad, and when we got home, my parents established a "no cats near the baby" rule. I was very thankful for their attention to my concern, but as it turns out, the cats were just fine.

Another example of my emotional rawness: on day 3 or 4 after delivering, Will and I went for a short walk while my parents watched Dana. I was so wound up that I was unable to take a nap, so we thought a little exercise would help. It was a beautiful day out, warm but breezy. As we walked, I commented that we would be able to bring Dana out for a stroll by the lake, and how nice that would be. I was feeling really positive as we turned to head back to the apartment, when the wind turned very strong and gusty. Will joked, "It's a good thing we didn't bring Dana out here with us, she would have been blown away!" As I imagined little Dana, all bundled up in blankets, floating away like a balloon, I was aware of how ridiculous and silly the image was, but my eyes started to tear up and I got very emotional.

I'm writing at such length about these feelings in order to record their depth and intensity. There were several days where I felt utterly exhausted, cried openly in front of my parents, and wept by myself in the shower. So we did some research on postpartum depression. Basically what I was experiencing could only be considered "true" PPD if it lasted beyond a week or two, or if I had thoughts of harming someone. Since mine lasted "only" six horrible days, it is not considered PPD, but rather the Baby Blues. Excuse the vulgarity, but the Baby Blues is a bullshit term to describe the way I was feeling. It doesn't sound like something to be taken seriously. And maybe compared to full-fledged PPD, it's not that big a deal, but it was pretty bad for me.

I started feeling better the Thursday after giving birth. The turning point occurred when Will started taking care of Dana in the nursery at night, and I slept in our bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, he is a wonderful man and a fantastic husband and father. I'm sure this sacrifice on his part saved my sanity. Getting the 7 to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep allowed my brain to reset. The hormones got back in sync, and now I feel better and can take care of the baby during the day.

It's been four weeks since the turning point. Four weeks of normal ups and downs, more ups than downs. Dana is a wonderful baby. She's gorgeous, bright, strong, and healthy. Last week at her one-month pediatrician appointment, she weighed 10 lbs, 3 oz. She has Will's eyelashes and feminine versions of his ears; my mouth, turned pinky toes, and strawberry birthmark; and a little button nose. Her umbilical cord stump fell off during the first week, and now she has a real bellybutton - an innie. She gets hiccups several times a day and likes to sleep on her side, like me.

She's been lifting her head since her second week and is getting steadier and more controlled as time goes by. She listens when you talk or read to her and turns her head and eyes to follow you if you move. She's starting to respond with facial expressions - getting pretty close to a real smile, I think. She likes her carseat or stroller and being in the Moby wrap (but only when in motion). She makes funny squeaking noises when she sleeps, and her farts sound (and smell) like an adult did them. She's pretty good in public: so far, she has been to the doctor's office, dinner out at sushi, Olivia's engagement party in Wheaton, and the grocery store. As long as she has a full tummy, she's basically a peach.

I still haven't started her baby book or website, but I did manage to keep up with my work emails, and Will and I went on a few walks while my parents watched Dana. However, it probably would have been healthier if the list had included taking a nap, or kissing and hugging the baby 1000 times (and husband at least once).

As for the cats, they mostly don't notice the baby. Lucius seems most aware of her as a person. I think Uli believes she is just a funny-looking pillow. Sometimes Po will lick her head. Mama doesn't interact directly with Dana, but is often nearby and quiet in a friendly way. Uli and Lucius do get underfoot sometimes, but they are also loud-mouths so you know when they're around. None of the cats has expressed any hostility toward the baby, though they may change their minds when she is in her terrible twos, yanking cat-tails.

Overall, the three of us are doing well. We are getting a good deal of support from our families and friends. I'm about halfway through my maternity leave - I'm tentatively scheduled to head back on November 8, though I may take two extra weeks, we'll see how it goes. I'll be posting photos in my next entry.