One day Bob was walking down the streets of New York when he came upon a big group of hippies. He knew that he was going to have trouble the moment he laid eyes on them. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey, man; do you, like, got the time on you?" When Bob heard this he screamed and ran away, saying, "Help! Help! The British are coming! The British are coming!" That was when it happened. It started to rain. Bob thought to himself, "Could this day possibly get any worse? First, a gang of hippies tries to kill me, and now it started to rain. What next?"

Then Bob tripped over a corpse that someone had left on the middle of the sidewalk in their haste. "Yes!" screamed Bob. "The tides are turning! If I hadn't tripped over this corpse I wouldn't have found this slimy green stuff that looks like food." Then Bob ate the slimy green stuff and found out that it tastes bitter. "Yuck!" said Bob, and then he heard someone coming.

He turned around and saw that a group of hippies was coming. It was a different group than before because New York is filled with hippies. You know how they call Seattle "The Rainy City" and they call Chicago "The Windy City" and they call Philadelphia "The City Of Brotherly Love?" Well, they call New York "The Big Apple," because there are a lot of hippies there. Anywho, when the hippies saw Bob eating the slimy green stuff, one of them said, "Hey, man, look everybody, he ate our dinner." Then a different one said, "Groovy!" Then the first one said, "No, man. It's not, like, groovy. Now we're going to have to, like, kill him, man!" Then they all took out guns and ran towards Bob. Bob just stood there, saying, "How are you today, my friends?" That was when Bob was supposed to die, but the hippies tripped over the corpse too. Bob was upset now. He really wanted to play with his newfound friends. He started to cry, and continued to walk down the street.

Bob felt lonely. No one would even talk to him. A few old ladies laughed at him quite a bit, but no one talked to him. So Bob decided that he was going to move to Arkansas. So he left his cardboard box and stole a butcher knife from the morgue, walked onto a bus, held the knife up high, approached the driver, and said, "I'll trade you this nifty knife for the bus." The driver said, "You got yourself a deal, ma'am." So Bob started to drive the bus to Arkansas. About an hour later, the passengers were getting pretty frustrated, and they were hollering at Bob to let them off. Now this was making Bob very full of stress, something that his doctor (a rabid dog he found in the gutter) told him was bad for his kidneys. So Bob decided that he should eliminate the stress by throwing the fire extinguisher at someone. I mean, what else would one use a fire extinguisher for? Anyway, it got the job done and all of the passengers were quiet, especially the infant that he killed with the fire extinguisher.

About a half hour later, some cops pulled him over for speeding. He was going 12 mph in a 60 mph zone. The cop with the mustache said, "Hey, do you got your driver's license here?" Then Bob said, "Driver's license? What's that?" Then the other cop with the mustache said, "Thank God! You mean we're not the only ones who don't know?" "I guess not," said Bob. Then the first cop said, "Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, I'm officer Clancy and this here's officer Hannibal. So where are you going?" Bob replied, "Pleased to meet you. I'm going to Arkansas." "Want us to give you a drive in?" said officer Hannibal. "We can stop for coffee and donuts." "Sure," said Bob, "but what am I going to do with all these people on the bus?" "Just leave them," said officer Clancy." They'll find something to do."

So Bob hopped into the car with the two policemen. A short while later, as they pulled into the parking lot of the coffee shop, a couple of teenagers, about fifteen years old, approached the car and asked the policeman if they would care enough to buy some beer for them. Officer Hannibal said, "Aaahh, how could we say no to faces like that? This country needs more people like you; cause if we don't get more, who's going to use all the drugs? Well, besides me and officer Clancy?" After they bought the beer for them, they went into the coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee and a donut. But Bob ordered a cup of coffee without the cup, a donut, and a side order of pickles. This proved to be a very interesting thing to watch. I mean, watching someone trying to pour a cup of coffee without a cup without spilling it would be very interesting to watch, well in my opinion it would be.

Later, they left the coffee shop, because the waitress spilled every last drop of coffee they had, and started to drive to Arkansas. After about five minutes, they passed a playground, where they saw a little girl playing on the swings. "Hey, little girl!" called officer Clancy. "Do you got a driver's license?" She replied, "No, I only twee yeerd ode." "I think that you should run her in," said Bob. "Good idea, "said officer Hannibal. "Hey little girl, come here." So when she came over to the car, officer Clancy got out, threw her down on the ground, cuffed her, and threw her in the back of the car, all while reciting, "You have the right to remain.. umm.. ahh.. uhhh.. I forget, but that's not important, is it?" She started to cry.

"Momma! Momma!" said Bob. "Why are you saying that?" said officer Hannibal. "I miss my mommy," said Bob. "Shut up, man!" said officer Hannibal. "Okay," replied Bob. But the little girl continued to cry, saying, "Waaaaa, waaaaaa!" "Okay," said officer Clancy, "I've had it with her. I'm shooting her." So officer Clancy shot the little girl in the middle of her big toe. She died instantly. They didn't know what to do with the corpse, so Bob thought up the perfect way to get rid of it. They rolled down the window in the car, and when they passed a different car with the window down, they simply threw the corpse from one car into another. There. They decided to make it someone else's problem. Two days later, they passed the sign that said, "Mediterranean Sea - 2 miles." That was when Bob asked if they were lost. "Of course not!" said officers Clancy and Hannibal at the same time. "We're going swimming."

"But I thought that we were going to Arkansas," said Bob. "Nah, the swimming's much better here," said officer Hannibal. "Yeah." added officer Clancy. "Besides, who wants to go swimming in Arkansas?" "I don't want to go swimming," said Bob. "I want to move to Arkansas!" After that, Bob never saw those two policemen again. And he was lonely again. It was just like New York, with one big difference. Here he was being chased by a giant camel named Ishmael. So Bob hopped on a 747 that was going to California, but fell off when the plane reached the altitude of 2000 feet. Luckily, the wind was very strong that day and it carried him very far and he landed in what appeared to be a great big pile of hog slop. He looked around, and saw that this "hog slop," or whatever it was, was everywhere. "Arkansas!" he screamed out. Then he heard a voice that said, "No! This is New Jersey."

"Oh," said Bob. "Eeeewwww. I think a swallowed some of this stuff." Anyway, no matter what he swallowed, he decided that he had better be getting to Arkansas. So he started walking, and he saw a hole in the ground. He thought for a while, then went down into the hole. When he got down there, he saw train tracks, and said, "This must be that famous underground railway that I've read about. I know! If I follow it backwards, maybe it'll take me to Arkansas instead of Canada." So Bob started to walk backwards. Then he hit the wall 'cause he had no idea where he was going. So he found a rat, and told it to lead the way. It didn't listen. The next thing that Bob noticed was that he could see his shadow in front of himself. He found this extremely strange because before that it was pitch black. So he turned around to see where the light was coming from and to his surprise, he saw a light. A bright light that appeared to be moving towards him. Very quickly. Then he thought for a minute and came to the conclusion that he had died and that he was moving, not the light. You see, he heard, or thought that he was supposed to have heard someone say to come in to the light, therefore he was moving toward the light. When the light was about three feet in front of him, he suddenly realized that he was not dead, but he was about to be dead.

Why, you ask. Because this was a subway train, you idiot! But Bob refused to die. He stuck his foot out and the subway train tripped over it.

After Bob found his way out of the hole, he went into a restaurant, ordered 17 lobsters, and left. Just when he thought that he was never going to get to Arkansas, a movie director came up to him and said, "Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?" And then Bob said, "No." And then the movie director said, "Oh, sorry to disturb you then." And then Bob said, "Apology accepted." And then the movie director said, "Hey, I think that we could use you in a movie that we're making. All you have to do is eat a live chihuahua. The name of the movie is Sleepless in Arkansas. So are you interested?" "Yes, yes I am." said Bob. "Great," said the movie director man. "What's your name?"

"Bond, "said Bob, "Bob Bond." "Oh, yes," said the movie director man. "I'm pleased to meet you. You may call me Boss. My name is Fred, but you shall call me Boss because you will be working for me. Sign here." Then he handed Bob a contract that said that he would make 30 cents by eating a live chihuahua in the movie "Sleepless in Arkansas" so Bob signed it. To him, 30 cents was considered a lot of money. Then Fred said, "Okay, Bob, we will start shooting tomorrow in Baltimore." "But," said Bob, "Isn't Baltimore in Maryland?" "Yes," said Fred. "Where did you think it was going to be filmed?" "Arkansas," said Bob. That's when Fred laughed until he stopped, ripped up the contract, and said that he can forget about making the movie because he was too stupid.

So now, here was Bob, lonelier than ever. All he did was sat on the curb and cried. Then he decided that if he was going to ever get to Arkansas, he was going to have to do it himself. He started to walk for a couple of days, then he realized that he was going in the wrong direction. But by this time, he didn't have very much energy left in him so he walked into a grocery store and was about to buy a can of apple juice when a security guard stopped him and accused him of shoplifting. "But I didn't steal anything!" said Bob. "No, but I could sense that you were going to," said the guard. "But it's still on the shelf," said Bob. "What is? The thing that you were going to steal? Hmmm....?" asked the guard. "But I didn't steal it. And I wasn't going to either," said Bob. "Pardon?" said the guard. Bob said, "I said that I did..." "Ah-ha!" interrupted the guard. "So you admit it. You're going to go to jail now for a very long time." So Bob went to jail where he met Felix.

Felix was his cell-mate. He weighed 387 pounds and was in jail because he mutilated cats. Bob was afraid of Felix. One day Felix said to Bob, "So, you wanna bust out of here or not?" Bob said, "Sure, why not? But how?" "Easy, "said Felix. "We, well, you dig a tunnel while I distract the guard." So Bob started to dig a tunnel. It was pretty hard seeing how all that he had to dig with was a couple of orange peelings, and to add to that the floor was made out of concrete. When the guard saw what Bob was doing, he asked, "What do you think you're doing?" Before Bob had a chance to answer, Felix was throwing parts that he had saved of all those cats he mutilated at the guard. The guard said, "Hey, don't throw those things at..." Before the guard could finish what he was saying, he got a cat's gall bladder right in the mouth. At first it looked like he was going to spit it out, but instead he chewed it up and swallowed, said, "Mmm... Kitty gall bladder..." and dropped dead. He didn't know that it wasn't really a cat's gall bladder. It was really a moose's gall bladder.

The next day, a different policeman came to take over for the one that had died, only he didn't know that he was dead. When he walked through the door and saw the corpse, he said, "Uh.......Dang! Um, I'd better get out of here," and he ran away. By this time Bob was getting pretty tired of digging and there wasn't even a dent in the floor. He had a long talk with Felix and together they came to the conclusion that the only way out of there was if they flushed themselves down the toilet. They were just about ready to go down when Felix realized that they could both fit through the bars of the cell because they were so far apart. When they got out of jail, Felix went nuts chasing cats and Bob continued on his quest to go to Arkansas.

Then he heard a noise. It was a very loud noise. Then he looked up and to his surprise he saw a lightning bolt heading straight for him. Bang! It struck him. It was so forceful that it made him fly all the way to Baffin Island. He landed in the snow. It was soft. It made him laugh. "He-he-he!" said Bob. He was so full of joy now that he decided to go for a swim. But when he jumped in the water, an Eskimo mistook him for a seal and so he harpooned him. This hurt Bob. It also made him mad. It made him so mad that he decided to get revenge on the Eskimo, so he waited until the Eskimo went to sleep. While he was sleeping, Bob snuck into his igloo, filled his boots with mayonnaise, stepped on all 17 kids, installed a fireplace, lit a fire (using any liquor that was there), painted his face so he looked like a clown, stole the fingernail clippers, switched his wife with a dead moose, spit on the rug, saran wrapped the toilet seat, and left. That was when he realized that it was the wrong igloo. To him they all looked the same.

So he wouldn't get in any trouble with the law, Bob joined the circus and changed his name to Bobo the Clown. But when he accidentally forgot that he wasn't supposed to throw mercury-filled pies at the audience and the other clowns, he was forced to leave the circus and change his name back to Bob. Unfortunately for Bob, the last place where the circus was New York. So he was back where he started. Then a hippie walked up to him and said, "Hey, man, so where've you, like, been? Do you got the time or not?" It was the same hippie that asked Bob for the time at the beginning of the story. Bob quickly screamed and ran away. He ran and ran and ran until he came to a bus. "My bus!" he yelled triumphantly. "I've found my bus!" He was extremely happy when he found his bus. "Now I can drive to Arkansas," said Bob. So Bob hopped on the bus and started to drive to Arkansas using a short-cut through a mine field when a mad old lady hit him in the back of the head with a walker. Her and all of the other passengers on board the bus were pretty mad at this point. "When are we going to get to bingo?" asked a bunch of people at once. "We've been waiting quite a while now and we're hungry." But Bob didn't answer.

He was unconscious. They were driving through a mine field with an unconscious driver. A little while later, Bob woke up and found a big pile of burnt stuff all around him with several dead people lying around too. There was only one possible explanation for all of this that Bob could come up with. Someone must have kidnapped Bob and put him in a burnt graveyard. He didn't know where he was, so in order to find out, he looked for a pay phone and when he found one he broke it open and looked at the name of the country that was on all of the quarters. Imagine his surprise when he found out that he was in both Canada and America at the same time. Not knowing which direction he was supposed to go in, in order to arrive at Arkansas, Bob thought that it would be best if he asked for directions. So he went up to the attendant at a nearby gas station and said, "Excuse me, but do you know how to get to Arkansas? And if so, do you mind telling me?"

"I'm sorry," said the attendant, "but I don't speak English." "No?" asked Bob. "I'm afraid not," said the attendant. "None whatsoever?" asked Bob. The attendant replied, "Listen. I don't speak any English. Not even one word. I would be able to tell you where Arkansas is, but I do not understand what you are saying because I don't speak any English! You got that?" "Yes, sir!" said Bob. "Good," said the attendant.

"Have a nice day. Please come again. And would you like to wish me luck at the Olympics? I'm representing England in the biathlon." "Oh, yes," said Bob." I wish you the best of luck." "Thanks!" said the attendant. Then Bob started once again on his quest to arrive at Arkansas. He saw a sign, so he read it. It said Arkansas, next right. So Bob thought for a moment, then decided that it was probably just a tourist distraction so he took the left road thinking that it would be a short-cut. After a little while, Bob got tired and so he wanted to rest. That was when he climbed a tree and jumped into the back of a pick-up truck. Then he realized that the pick-up truck was filled with nails. Bob was bleeding and was in severe pain. He screamed something fierce.

He screamed so loud that the driver of the truck turned around, picked up his gun, carefully aimed it at Bob, switched the safety button off, put his finger on the trigger, and was about to fire when the truck hit a tree because the driver hadn't been watching the road. This made the truck stop suddenly and the force was enough to make Bob fall off of the truck. He landed on the road. Just as Bob was about to get up, a jeep drove over his neck. If you ask Bob, he'd probably tell you that this was the most painful experience that ever happened to him. And so he vowed that he would get revenge on whoever drove over his neck. Just like he got revenge on the Eskimo. Well, he kind of did, anyway.