Feb 1 04
[1:09am] Today I have had utterly no self esteem. I feel like people are out to reject me today. It's not fair to assume this, since we all had a really great time last night and people have other things on their agendas, but I am getting hurt so easily today. (Well, yesterday. The 31st.) I just sat around waiting for someone to offend me or not like me. I'm afraid of what people think of me.. I'm pretty sure Matt's Daniel doesn't like me because the only context that he knows me within is the evening sometime in December when I was snapping at everyone.. and I heard him say something about how I think I'm better than everyone. This may or may not be the case, since this lapse of self-esteem seems to be pretty bad this time. We had our Movie Night tonight, but people only wanted to watch the Virgin Suicides and then leave to go do whatever. And even though they all told me that they were going to go do homework, I suspected that they were going to go do something social together, without us. And that made me really mad. And what's worse: I have no foundation for this kind of thought. They all love me (or pretty much) and I don't think they would intentionally exclude me. So I don't know what my deal is. I quit life, once again. Except for this: I LOVE YOU KRISTEN!!! HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY, YA GEEZER!!!!!

January 31 04
[4:37pm] Last night was grreat. We meant to have Robinson Movie Night ExtravaGANza last night but conflicting schedules led us to see Girl with a Pearl Earring, so we moved RMNE to tonight. We'll be seeing Pulp Fiction and The Virgin Suicides. I have seen neither, so welcome me to the world of cinematic culture. Anyway, we saw Girl Pearl and then got lost trying to find some food.. eventually we found food and Rhodes. Twas good. Then this morning, I compiled a list of pillows that I would like. And later I will compile the list of digital audio books I want. Pillow time.  

      
 
  

January 30 04
[12:53am] This evening I went to audible.com and bought a membership and two digital audio books: A Wrinkle in Time and House of Sand and Fog. I'm really excited about next month, when I get two more books. I think it'll be The Screwtape Letters and Sense & Sensibility. Or maybe I can just get my mom to ship me more money so I can "read" more books. I like "reading" this way because it doesn't strain my eyes so much. It's so much easier, and I comprehend better when I listen, rather than when I read, because I tend to skim. Which is bad. So this is all very good. I have quite a list of books left to purchase. I'll tell you tomorrow.

January 29 04
[4:21pm] Yesterday was a nice (not nice at all) terrible mix of working very very hard, writing a "po-uh" about the Rat, and drawing pictures. First, my "po-uh" and second, my picture. Oh, infinite pride. Also, visit these guys. I <3 them, and one in particular.
 

 

January 27 04
[2:08pm] Well, the snow didn't cuaja, nor did it even cae. Sad times. Oh well, it's still awfully cold. Despite the cold and everyone's unwillingness to go with me, I did work out, even though it was weak. I did about 10 minutes on the bike, 23 on the elliptical, 5 on the rowing machine, and that was that. Today goes as follows: struggle a little more with Calc, Poetry class, write some Polisci questions and journals (I'm like four behind), copy notes, do Spanish.. blah blah.. The homework never ends. People who can say, "I was bored, I didn't have anything to do" make me want to die.

January 26 04
[4:31pm] Weirdness. I had a staring contest with this kid in my Spanish class today. He was giving a report, and it's polite to look at the person speaking, and apparently, to him, it was appropriate to hold my stare forever. Some things I can handle. Some I can't: this awesomely awesome weather, Calculus, Polisci, Spanish, or Search. Actually, that's another weirdness: I could handle Search today. It was only a half hour long, but woohaa. It's supposed to snow tomorrow morning. I guess that means no working out, because there's no way I'm trudging around in frozen precipitation, whether it cuaja or whatever or not.

January 25 04
[5:15pm] Two things: I filled out a big survey and I made a CD. Both last week. Whatev.
 

 

[12:51pm] A crazy few days. I went home Friday, saw my Joey for maybe three hours, then collapsed exhaustedly into bed, slept until 10:15 on Saturday, got up and went to the Y (5 on bikes, 25 on elliptical, 15 on rowing machine, 5 on bikes), got back, showered and got ready, went to RENT with my brother (which is very far downtown so that was a small stress), drove back and stopped at the bank to drop off Zach's check for the CDs and Fazoli's for breadsticks mmmmmmm!!. When I got home, my mom was like, "You need to leave as soon as possible.." Because the weather was gettin iffy. I started driving at 6:30, and I was perfectly happy to be out there, I had Switchfoot and my three Rufus albums to listen to, so the first 2 hours were fine. Dark (in the boonies, there are few streetlamps to light the way), but fine. But promptly after reaching the halfway mark (a little gas station on mile marker 52), it began to rain. Nothing terrible, just sprinkles. Oh but that didn't last. It turned into torrents, downpour, floods.. whatever. It was scary and stressful. I got back to Rhodes though, and walked through the rain to the dorm, where I found Carolyn and Laura and Matt missing. Sighing, I talked to Drew and watched some Splash, and moped a little. Then Carolyn and Laura and Ke came back and Matt came over and Olivia brought her friend Katie, so it was a party. Carolyn entertained us with her new iTunes, and through her enthusiasm, I was inclined to download it myself. Perhaps later. Everyone left around 2:30 and I collapsed exhaustedly (again) into bed. I really like collapsing exhaustedly into bed because that means that I don't toss and turn forever. It's like LIGHTS OUT!! when I'm against my pillow. And I like that.

January 23 04
[12:12pm] Well, children, things have been funny in this neck of the technological woods, but they should be back soon, better than ever. Andrea, I read your post about being sad from being "locked out." That was really nice of you, but everything is back to normal, as you can see, or it's just about normal. :) First, a list--three good things about today: someone left some packages of Ramen noodles outside by the elevator with a sticky note that said "Take these so I don't eat them all", so I took two.. and Carolyn really got flowers this time... and three, last night, I had a conversation with Drew about girls, which makes me laugh because he never showed any sign of being preoccupied with girls previously. (Not preoccupied in a bad way.. I guess I meant "focused on" girls rather than like, obsessed with.) So that was fun. Two bad things about today: one, actually started yesterday with a Dr. Pepper at 9:00 pm, so I couldn't sleep, even by 2:00.. and because of this, I had my seminap after Calc and woke up and started reading Aristotle, but got disorientated about the time and thus walked into Polisci 5 minutes late, but other than the considerable embarrassment, it was a harmless experience.
   Recently, I've been thinking and reading and debating a great deal on the theme of the moment, gay marriage. In response to President Bush's State of the Union comments on the subject, Danny, of tragicomic made an astoundingly awesome point in defense of gay marriage. I'll just quote him to capture the perceptiveness and solidity of his idea: "I, seriously, do not know what I expected Bush to say during his State of the Union address, but what he did say, upset me, nonetheless. I feel like my trump card, concerning why gay marriage shouldn't be illegal on the basis of the religious sanctity of the institution of marriage, is the "separation of Church and State." But, is that really the case? Apparently, not." Man oh man. And later, " 'Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage,' Bush declared during his address. I question, though, how sacred is marriage these days? Do not most marriages, around 50%, end in divorce, sadly? How sacred are these people taking marriage? As Jase points out too, how sacred is a fluke wedding in Las Vegas, to only get annulled the next day?"
   I followed the link on Jase's website to the marriage poll, which I filled out (at that time the results were 31.85% against legalization of gay marriage, 60.26% favoring it, and 7.89% for "civil union" with all rights of marriage except the name. And since the poll is led by the American it led me to NoGayMarriage.com.. seems like a conflict in interests there, but it's really that website that rubs me exactly the wrong way. They have a list of "reasons" why gays shouldn't be able to marry, which is just a pile of crap. If you'd like to read a pile of crap, go there. (I'm not even sure I should link to them, since it is something I oppose so whole-heartedly. But I figure it's best to be informed on both sides of an issue that one cares strongly about. So, yeah.) I think that's it for today.

January 21 04
[9:33am] Poor Carolyn had like, the worst day of her life yesterday, including: 1) spilling of a drink in class, 2) delivery of flowers, but to CarolINE Cole, who is someone else at Rhodes, 3) falling down the stairs in Palmer (there should be a club, I'm in it already), 4) speeding ticket, 5) fight with a friend. (And strangely enough, a few weeks ago when Jenn and Winny were studying for Psych, Jenn wrote in my planner that yesterday was National Hug-a-Carolyn Day. Psychic Friends Network!!!!) My day was great by comparison, but only okay in reality. I made a CD, called "Can't We Just Rock?" Apparently we can't just rock. There is too much work around here. If any of you caught the State of the Union last night, what was up with.... (imagine this, I'm not going to make fun of Bush or his pronunciation of nuclear or his ears in this space.. wow, maybe I'm growing up).... Ted Kennedy? He was all shaking his head and looking cranky.
 

January 15 2004
[1:02pm] First day of classes was yesterday. Calc III: Nine people, same professor, three dimensions. Polisci: FJB, with Drewbie, group projects (vomituse). Spanish: Lots of kids, telenovela, professor speaks VEDDY quickly. Search: common session, Prof Murrel or something very entertaining, once we get to actually classes, new professor, same kids. After classes, I tried to get some of the work done, and then we went to dinner, and at Schnucks, we had a health spree involving bottled water, oranges and apples, V8 splash, 2% milk, Healthy Request chicken noodle soup, etc.. in short--no meat. As a reward, we bought some Milano cookies but haven't eaten them, maybe because we hid them from ourselves (out of sight, out of mind) and moochers (out of sight, out of mooch.) This morning Carolyn and I got up at 10:00 and went to the BCLC to work out, which we did. I spent 6 or 7 on the bikes and 30 on the elliptical machines. So proud of myself. Also, bought $350 worth of books yesterday, and I still need two, plus a few folders. GARG!! Anyway, maybe I'll go over to the language lab to deal with Pueblos, the telenovela for Spanish.

January 13 2004
[10:36pm] I'm at Rhodes. Surprisingly enough, I feel okay to be here. I mean, I'm not super-ecstatic or anything; in fact, the quieter moments are a little hard, but on the whole, I'm okay. One thing that helped to make it okay was going out to Memphis Pizza Cafe and having my own 10 inch sausage and pepperoni. After that, we piled into Carolyn's car and sang "Take On Me" and 80s-danced. Then Schnucks for ice cream (but I refrained for healthiness) and then back here for some Mystery Science Theater. Pretty fun. Now Carolyn is cleaning out our fridge, which seems to have transformed into the new site of a colony of sick greenish-black mold spores. Yay for Clorox wipes. So that's about it, early morning tomorrow. Goodnight.

January 11 2004
[9:46pm] It's gotten worse in the last 105 minutes. I've just gotten sadder and sadder to leave here. That's it. I'm coming home fot the three-day weekend. I can't care what the Rhodes people say.

[8:01pm] I go back to school tomorrow. I guess I'm lucky that I got this long of a break, other kids only got 2 weeks.. not as lucky as some though, with 5 weeks. I would like to see my Rhodesies again, but I know that missing Joey is going to be terrrrible. I can already feel it tugging at my heart. But, despite all the jeers I'm going to get for being sooo whatever, I'm thinking about coming home for the 3-day weekend coming up, and the weekend following that (we have Rent tickets). The Saturday after THAT is our 8 month anniversary, and two Saturdays after THAT is Valentine's Day and I am DEFINITELY coming home for that. This is the first Valentine's Day that I'll have had a real Valentine. And the Rufus concert is the 22nd, so I'll be in St Louis for that with Matt and Laura (but not sure if I'm coming up for the entire weekend or just Sunday.) I just hate leaving my heart in St Louis when I go to Memphis, but I think it's worth it.

January 7 2004
[6:16pm] Tonight I go see Mamma Mia! with Kristen and my brother. Since I am too much of a wimp to drive up there at night, my mom is driving us, so shh. And tomorrow, sigh, I have an Excel class that starts at 8:30 in the morning, which means leaving at 7:30 or so. SIGH!! I can't handle it.

January 3 2004
[12:12pm] I've kept a list of the things I've done since I last updated (really updated, not filled out the questionnaire thing.) However, that comes second. First is a page out of This Book Will Change Your Life: Day 25, things you will never do before you die. I've chosen some of the more intriguing ones. Enjoy. I will never... climb Everest, become world chess champion, have a sex change, celebrate Christmas in May, learn the Periodic Table by heart, inject heroin, become insensitive to suffering, start a cult, save/rule the world, grow a beard, become a fitness instructor, learn to live with gnats, seduce the prom queen, marry someone I've never/just met, see my face on a banknote, turn 117 years old, become Pope, grow a tail, kiss my own lips, suffer a fool gladly, be the 78th person on the moon, have my own brand of olive oil, become immortal, make a pact with the devil, travel at warp speed, stab someone in the back, exterminate a zombie, play the lead in Swan Lake, implode, lick an electric eel, memorize an encyclopedia, floss twice a day, ride a yak, come out of a black hole alive, participate in the Olympics, write in cuneiform, spell "egg" differently, witness the Big Bang, fiddle while Rome burns, win an Oscar, or shoot the last buffalo... before I die. Now for that list of goings-on here in San Luis.
   22nd: I saw Finding Nemo with my brother, and then Pirates of the Caribbean (sp?) with both Joey and my brother. After that we went to the mall to let my brother shop and Joey bought Rob and Chris their present. Then we left the mall and sat forever in this terrible, incredible traffic. So many people!!! And it didn't help that my car was being all retarded--I was so afraid my battery was going to die, but Joey was very helpful; he put it in neutral when we were stopped, and that seemed to help. I was just relieved to get home.
   23rd: I wrapped presents and then my dad said that we had to go shopping for my mom. So we sat down, brainstormed, and then hit the new big mall in West County. The one with the bird. We were highly successful and very efficient, so we came back and relaxed.
   24th: I started to feel a little woozy and sick on Christmas Eve. So I got some medicine in me, got all dressed up for Christmas Eve Candlelight Service at the church, went to that (I slept in the car both there and back). After that, we had Christmas Eve dinner (there was delicious lobster and shrimp!!) We opened a few presents, then that was that.
   25th: Christmas!! Then I felt very sick and just wanted to sleep alllll the time. In between present opening sessions, I fell asleep in front of the nice cozy fire my dad made. I dreamed during one of these naps that I was back at Rhodes and we were having our present exchanging party, and I gave Jenn her present and she was really mad--she was like yelling and stuff (which is completely unlike Jenn, she's so... unyelly)--she apparently had really wanted a hat (and my present wasn't a hat.) Thankfully someone gave her a hat in the dream and she calmed down, just in time for me to wake up again. We opened all the presents, which ruled, and then we had Christmas dinner. I can't remember much else about Christmas, since I was drugged and sleepy and full of turkey.
   26th: I felt sooo much better the day after Christmas. I made my list of Things to Do, and I did most of them. I cleaned my car, I straightened up my room, did laundry, finally unpacked my suitcases (put all the CD cases and old unwatched/unwanted tapes away), went to the theater early to buy movie tickets, took pictures of the Christmas lights in my neighborhood for Carolyn (since she likes Christmas lights a LOT--more than anyone I've ever known), and then Joey and I saw Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Very good. When I looked to see how long the movie was, it said 201 minutes. Now for some reason, I thought an hour was 70 minutes long, and so I thought, okay it's a little less than three hours, I'll be home on time if I see the 8:30 show. I got home closer to 12:30. But it was still fun, very good, etc. The only thing was that I wished Sam and Frodo would've just ADMITTED that they're in love with one another (not stupid Rosie Cotton) and gotten a civil union in Vermont or something. That's all.
   27th: In the evening, Kristen and I exchanged presents. She liked her scarf and earrings, and I really liked my scarf and specially-personalized purse (Kristen made it for me!!!) Then she and Joey and I tried to go ice skating, but what we didn't know was that some hockey program starts at 9:00, and we didn't get there until 8:53. So we skidaddled over to DQ where I bought Keeb a chicken basket and a brownie fudge thing, and myself a hot dog and I ate part of the brownie fudge deal, and Joey had a parfait or something. We saw Andrea and Jenn (no longer B, now D and pregnant) there. Told Andrea I'd see her on the 30th at guard practice. Then we dropped Kristen off at her house and Joey and I watched the Lord of the Ring: Fellowship of the Ring at my house til midnight when he went home.
   28th: Church, Steak n Shake, then my family watched the first two Lord of the Rings movies. I called Joey around 8:00, but he was on his way out to visit some friends. So Kristen and I went to Target and picked out Zoolander, which we watched at her house.. then I headed home.
   29th: I sat around all day and played Sims Hot Date.
   30th: I sat around all day and played Sims Hot Date, until about 6:30 when I went to the guard practice with Kristen. I was really, REALLY happy about getting a flag back in my hands. I missed it so much. But it also made me incredibly sad because all these other kids there get to do guard and there's just no chance of me getting to do it this year. It's terrible. I saw Andrea, Jenn, Ciara, Lori, Erin, Ryan Fossier, all my little WHS guardies, Candace.. and other kids whom I don't know so well (or at all.) We tried to remember old flagwork, but failed pretty hardcore. Still, it was pretty fun.
   31st: Joey's 18th birthday!! I went to his house for the birthday dinner where Sarah made fun of me for not having seen/read the second Harry Potter, and for not liking spaghetti sauce, but Joey and his dad defended me, saying "She likes Lord of the Rings, so it's okay!!" and "She doesn't HAVE to like spaghetti sauce".. Jokes were made about salad and things.. We ate this monumentally rich cake (which was delicious but I was stuffed), and then Joey opened his presents and we listened to his brother's band's new partially-finished CD and then some of the Santana CD that he got for his birthday. Then we looked at the moon through the telescope, and drove to my house in separate cars. All Tyler's friends came over so it was a part(y)let, so I called Kristen but she was already at her sister's house. We watched some Twilight Zone episodes: we even saw the one with Shatner seeing "some-thing.. on... the wing!" For a minute, we muted it and made up our own dialogue that had to do with Shatner's love of tacos and his woman just not understanding. After that, the kids turned off the TV and played Dungeons n Dragons or something and Joey and I played Animal Families Memory Game. He won hardcore. When midnight rolled around, we were frightened by the explosions outside my house (fireworks), and then everyone left. No New Years kiss, since Joey was getting over the flu.
   1st: Sat around until 4:00, when my family decided to see the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. About 15 minutes before the end of the movie, the film breaks and the first thing anyone shouts is "REFUND!!" I laughed, and told my family what happened after that. My brother and I had Sonic for dinner, and after that I watched Newlyweds and Queer Eye marathons, and then I had a beauty hour: eyebrow treatment, mud mask, shave legs, pumice feet, moisturize.. it was great. Then I slept.
   2nd: Watched Best in Show (one of my Christmas DVDs), and then went coat shopping with my mom to no avail. Then Joey and I went ice skating, but my skates sucked. There was no ankle support, so my blades weren't cutting the ice correctly and I was all bow-legged.. very difficult to skate. Plus there were MILLIONS of children to dodge. Then Blockbuster, where on a whim, we rented Wrong Turn (which, if you'll remember, was the movie we saw on the night that Joey asked me out).. which proved to be fun, and nowhere near as scary as I thought it had been. And that was that.

December 29 2003
[6:30pm] I've been sleeping all day, but I stole this from Kelly yesterday.
 

December 22 2003
[12:02pm] I've been home since the 13th, but haven't really bothered to update. I'll try to catch you up. This'll be nice and lengthy.
   13th: I took my Search final and drove Jenn to my house. On the way, we tried to remember all the state capitals like Merciless Matt can, but we were miserably unsuccessful. Jenn called Matt to ask him some random questions like what's the capital of Georgia (Atlanta), New Jersey (Trenton), what's your favorite toe (I can't remember the answer), what did you get on your ACT (34.. *dies of jealousy and anger*), and what flavor of ice cream you would be (I can't remember this either). We stopped at Walmart to get Jenn some cash, and ate at Burger King in Blytheville. It snowed. Joey came over and we (me, Jenn, and Joey) watched SNL. I slept downstairs because Jenn snores a little.
   14th: We tried to take Jenn to the train station, but couldn't find the train station so she missed her first train. Then we took her to church and O'Charley's and Borders and the Bug Shop and then the train station, when she got on, after rolling her monstrous suitcases through the snow a few times. Memory: We bought a geode at the Bug Shop.. a rock that you break open and it's purpley beautiful crystals inside.. but would couldn't break it open. Jenn said it was like the Christmas Message: some people are good inside but refuse to show it, even if you throw them on the ground or rub snow on them or ask your mom to run over them with the Yukon. We had a Christmas Miracle at the train station but I can't remember what it is, now. After that, I missed the band concert, but was pretty tired anyway, so I think my family watched "Holes".
   15th-18th: I can't really remember much of what I did Monday through Thursday. I know I saw Joey at least once.. I know I shopped some.. On Thursday, I think, Kristen and I went to the big new mall in West County and had lots of weird experiences, which I wrote a poem about. Other than that, I probably just lazed about and didn't think much at all.....
   19th: Kristen and I visited school and saw all my old teachers: Leech, Brown, Srta Kehr, Mr Nielsen, Rideout.. etc. I saw my Joey and his mom, Andy King and Laura, Scotty and Lauren.. And I was instructed to come back after Christmas break ends for WHS so I can visit Drooler and Woodchuck and the rest of the gifteds.. After the school visit, Kristen and I went to her house and watched "The Sweetest Thing" and she made us pizza which was delicious and delectable. Mmm, thanks Kristen!! Then I went out with Joey and we saw ELF, whcih was just as hilarious and fun-filled as the first time.
   20th: My mom and I decided to have a movie day, so we saw "Something's Gotta Give" and "Love Actually": both good. But I can't figure out why they called "Something's Gotta Give" by that name. Hmm. Then I emailed some of my Rhodes buddies and went to sleep.
   21st: Went to church, and sat around until 8:00, when Joey came over and we all decorated the tree. It was awesome having him there, and he looked so cute in his little soft sweater.. I'm really excited about giving out the Christmas presents this year, I think I did a really good job, especially on his, but I put the gift receipts in all the boxes just in case. Anyway, I think that's about it. I'm pretty happy because today, the
   22nd: I get to go to the library and watch "Finding Nemo" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" for freeeee!! Eggselent. I'm taking my brother, and Joey's coming for Pirates, and I'm gonna call Keeb, and it'll be miraculous.

December 12 2003
[8:37pm] It's kinda funny how, once you get whatever you're worried about behind you, life becomes more enjoyable. And it's a lot slower (which isn't always good.) See, last night really sped by because I was trying to study for exams, and before I knew it, it was 4:00 AM and I was so wired from Calc that I tossed around until 5:00 before I slept. But I think it went fairly well. Guess I'll find out for sure later. So the girls (Carolyn, Laura, Deb) were studying tonight for French and Search but I've decided that since I've written the main essay for Search (and I don't speak French), the rest will be easypie, though I may read over the purple book to cover it. Jenn and Carolyn studied Psych last night, or at least started to, and we ordered pizza, and then they gave up. But tonight, C, L, and D went to Sonic (for food) and Bookstar (for study, I guess.) But I didn't go. Several things remain to be done tonight: packing, shaving my legs, laundry.. maybe I'll even write people some Christmas letters. Who knows what I can accomplish given 2 hours to myself?? Probably, though, I'll just sit in front of the TV and munch on McDonalds. P.S. My car has a racing stripe. I parked under a tree for a week and there were "cherries" and bird crap everywhere on the hood, but I only cleaned the outsides and left a strip in the middle.. more because I was tired than because it looks good. Because it looks terrible. I'll clean it up tomorrow.

December 10 2003
[1:22pm] So Scotty just sent me an email, letting me know what time OWLS class is so when I swing by school sometime next week, probably Thursday or Friday, I can drop by and see people. He also let me know that Andy K won't be in there next semester because he's graduating early, which cracks me up because I know how much he hated school last year, and I guess he's almost done. It's weird, though, to think that these people who are just babies in my mind, will be done with school. I don't know why I think of Andy as a baby. ANYWAY. Enough thought on that. Enough thought on everything, really. And to prove that, a picture-fest.
 

December 9 2003
[1:27pm] Do you know how good it feels to be done with everything? I finished my Calculus (get this--EARLY), there's no more Search to be done, the research paper is as done as it can be, and Spanish.. well. The only thing left is the big Spanish Fiesta we have today, in which I bring the napkins. ¡Servilletas! And after that everything is just review and exams and going home! And look at me! I even redesigned calapitter from afar. I rock and roll, all night, Sweet Susie. P.S. A thanks to Matt for complimenting the captions on the pictures I sometimes put on here.

December 8 2003
[8:50pm] I'm doing laundry and it's only 115 hours before I go home for a month.